And the Loser Is--
It’s that time of year
when people are stampeding into
auditoriums to give each other
awards. Oscars, Emmys, Grammys,
Opies. (--and now, the Ron
Howard impersonator of the year
goes to--)
We have the Country
Music, MTV Video and the Peoples
Choice awards. Or as it’s known
in Israel, “The Chosen People”
awards.
Who gets left out? Normal
citizens! Common folk! Everyday
Joes! In other words, the people
that make our lives a living
hell on a daily basis.
So here’s an award for
the Inane, the Dumb,
the Intoxicated, the Obtuse
and the Thick-headed.
That’s right, I hereby proclaim
the first annual “IDIOT” award.
The categories are limitless, so
I’ll confine myself to the
people who have annoyed me just
today. The envelope please-
In the category of
“Talking on a Cell Phone
Oblivious to the Fact the Light
has Turned Green and then
Streaking Through on Yellow,
Leaving Me Sitting at the
Intersection With a Red Light”,
the winner is: Silver Lincoln
Navigator, vanity tag: “Socrmom.”
In the category of
“Getting in Front of Me at the
Airport Security Metal Detector
Wearing a Suit of Armor” the
winner is: Some guy who is still
trying to convince TSA workers
that there is a perfectly good
reason to line your underwear
with aluminum foil.
In the category of
“Waiter Who Brings Everyone
Else’s Order Before He Tells Me,
By the Way, We’re Out of
Chalupas” the winner is: GED
hopeful, who is still looking
under plates wondering where his
tip is.
To claim your fabulous
“Idiot” statuette, winners need
to send one thousand dollars in
cash to Joe Malarkey
Productions, Inc. And then sit
back and wait. And wait.
Idiot.
