Even before Crest
toothpaste was identified as a
weapon of mouth destruction, we were
losing the war on terror. (By the
way, 4 out of 5 dentists agree that
the only way to smuggle toothpaste
on an airplane is really disgusting.
And the fifth dentist you don’t want
anywhere near your mouth.)
It was while trying to
explain to a TSA employee that I had
a doctor’s prescription for a bottle
of water, that I realized the
problem. We’re not fighting terror.
We’re in a battle with something
much more powerful. We’re fighting
unrequited love.
Osama Bin Laden’s mistress
spilled the beans. The real reason
Bin Laden is upset is the fact that
Whitney Houston won’t return his
phone calls. His ex-girlfriend, Kola
Boof (a Sudanese woman named for the
sound that Kola makes when it’s
shook up) tells this sad story in
her new book, “Women are from Venus,
Men are from Tora Bora.”
She reveals that at one point
Osama had 27 mistresses. I’m sure
that dinner and a movie are cheaper
in Backwackistan or wherever he’s
hiding, but 27 women!? No wonder he
lives in a cave. In college, I once
tried to date two girls at the same
time and almost lost my apartment.
His attraction to Ms. Houston
dates back to her starring role in
“The Bodyguard”. She played a famous
singer with serious personal
problems. Quite an acting stretch.
In the movie, Kevin Costner shot the
guy that was trying to destroy her.
In real life, Whitney married him.
America does owe Whitney an
apology for believing that Bobby
Brown was the last person in the
world she should wed. We now know
that he was just the last person in
the continental U.S.
In a time when all Americans
are asked to make sacrifices, I have
one simple plea. Whitney, hop a
plane, go to the cave and take one
for the team. At worst, it’ll get
you another reality show. And this
time, I promise I will watch.
