It’s hard to believe the Winter
Olympics are already over. Or as NBC is
referring to them, “The Least Watched
Reality Show Ever!” If they broadcast
the event four years from now, they are
going to make it a weight loss
competition and call it “The Biggest Luger.”
Unlike the Summer Games which involve
sweating, the Winter Games are more
about strapping things to your feet and
trying not to fall down. Forget the
grandiose Olympic anthem-- the theme
music should be some guy flailing his
arms and screaming, “OOooooooohhhhhh!”
Coming into the games, the big story was
Bode Miller. The only positive for Bode
is that he won’t have to be tested for
performance enhancing drugs. He said
prior to the competition that he has won
many races while drunk. Let me be the
first to say, “Congratulations on your
sobriety!” Nike is so proud of their
spokesman that they are changing their
slogan to “Just Finish Sixth!”
The most dangerous event has to be the
biathlon, that unnatural combination of
cross-country skiing and shooting a
rifle. The hazard occurs when some guy
looks up and sees that he’s going to
lose the gold medal by a couple hundred
yards. You know he’s thinking, “Man,
I’ve wasted four years of my life
training and now the only way I could
beat that guy is if I had - - a gun!”
Curling was fascinating to me and the
other eleven viewers. I don’t know if
it’s a sport, but it’s certainly a
strong indicator of the alcohol level of
Canadians. You know this contest was
invented by four drunk guys, sitting in
some Yukon bar in the middle of the
winter. “No, hear me out. What if we
were to combine bowling, ice fishing and
house work!”
Sadly, I’m allergic to Spandex, so I
missed the ice dancing. Although I
understand they had a nice turnout at
the “Il Brokebacki Mountain” venue. I
did see a highlight of a volcanically
angry Italian woman skater glaring at
her male partner. The last time I saw a
woman that menacing it cost me a house
and a thousand dollars a month in
alimony.
And finally, who can forget the American
woman silver medalist, Lindsay
Jacobellis, in the snowboard cross race. Leading by 1000 yards with 10 left to
go, she leapt in the air, grabbed her
board and keeled over. At the risk of
heaping too much praise on her
performance, let me just say, “It was a
privilege to have coached her.”
