I don’t know about you, but I’m just now getting over a bout of Oscar Fever. Every year we watch the broadcast with friends and try to guess which celebrity will be the first to fall out of their dress. This year’s pick: Jake Gyllenhaal.

In trying to predict Oscar winners, Mrs. Malarkey and I are at a definite disadvantage in that we haven’t seen any of the nominated movies. We wait for the DVD so that we can use our amazing new home theater. It’s just like going to the movies. It even came with a guy to sit behind us, kick our chairs and talk on a cell phone.

However, the fact that I haven’t seen the films in no way stops me from recapping what I suspect they are about.

Brokeback Mountain-- A courageous epic that takes Hollywood to a place they’ve never been before: camping. Oscar winning director, Ang Lee, is already starting on his next politically correct western, “Shootout at the I’m Okay, You’re Okay Corral.

Crash-- Award winning story tackling racism and the difficulties of getting an insurance adjuster to call you back.

Capote-- The moving tale of a man deeply in need of a throat lozenge.

Good Night and Good Luck-- George Clooney’s movie about the right- wing conspiracy to control America. Not to be confused with “Syriana”, Clooney’s movie about a right-wing conspiracy to control the world. And completely different from “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, Clooney’s movie about a right-wing conspiracy to control the Gong Show.

Munich-- Steven Spielberg’s movie about a right- wing conspiracy to control George Clooney.

And a long overdue award went to “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” for Best Song. After years of Hollywood lauding the plight of union workers, it’s nice to see them acknowledge the challenges of management.